


it's another day (waking up alone)

by eraseallpicturesofron



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt No Comfort, Loneliness, M/M, POV Alec Lightwood, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:00:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25761013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eraseallpicturesofron/pseuds/eraseallpicturesofron
Summary: He twisted the silver ring on his fourth finger, that stupid ring from that godawful night that he couldn’t fathom the idea of getting rid of. He wasn’t getting married, he was never getting married, and he was never taking the ring off of his finger for as long as he lived.(or: the Alliance rune was never created, Edom was never destroyed, and Alec and Magnus never got married.)
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood (Past)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 62





	it's another day (waking up alone)

**Author's Note:**

> i've been working on this since the start of quarantine, and finally(!!!) got it done
> 
> title is from taylor swift's "the 1" (also stream "folklore (; )

The Idris night was clear for the first time in weeks, after countless days of storming: the sun had already set and the once orange sky had faded to a deep navy, speckled with abundant stars as far as the eye could see, a lovely border around the cool glow of the crescent moon. 

Nobody was looking at the sky. 

It was far too cold to be outside without a jacket (or gloves or earmuffs, for that matter), and if it had rained that day, the grass would have been glazed over with a late night frost. 

Though, even if the weather were perfect, if the night chill were nonexistent and the early winter hadn’t come so early, there was no reason that the night sky should have taken priority over the wedding reception inside. 

The same reception that Alec would rather lose all feeling in his fingers and his toes than be at. 

He could have at least grabbed his suit jacket on his way outside— or just never taken it off at all, as he had started to give it to Isabelle, who had made a fleeting comment about the cold, when Simon had beat him to it— but the moment that the slow swell of music began for Aline and Helen’s first dance, the stutter in his heart and halt in his breathing were too much to sit with, and he had ducked through the crowd without looking back.

Leaving had felt good in the moment, the cold a much needed shock to break him out of his hurting state, but now the hair on his arms stood on end, even beneath the thin fabric of his dress shirt, and his teeth chattered, despite his last glass of wine still warm in his throat.

The light breeze stung his eyes and ruffled his hair, though the only way to avoid the wind would be to turn his head towards the floor-to-ceiling windows that adorned the outside of the reception hall, or go back inside all together. 

He told himself he would rather be cold than inside, where Aline and Helen stood folded into each other's arms, their tux-clad bodies swaying back and forth to the piano’s melody. 

The music had sped up since their first dance, but they hadn’t: in that moment they had the whole world ahead of them and it was better to slow down and take every second as a blessing.

Years had passed since the day that he had walked in on them fumbling through the first of many kisses, and he had ducked his head and tried to give them their moment, while in the same instance holding onto the fact that the world was ending and he couldn’t exactly stand idly by and let love flourish. 

(The start of Aline and Helen’s relationship wasn’t the only thing that happened that day, and everytime he thought about it, he developed a one track mind where he couldn’t think of anything else but himself, and how long he had waited for everything to get better, and how that still had yet to happen.)

He twisted the silver ring on his fourth finger, that stupid ring from that godawful night that he couldn’t fathom the idea of getting rid of. He wasn’t getting married, he was _never getting married_ , and he was never taking the ring off of his finger for as long as he lived. 

(Even so, as he watched Aline and Helen dance, Alec couldn’t help but think then about what song they would play for their first dance. The song that he would have stepped on Magnus’s feet to, the song that Magnus would have hummed along to in his ear, the song that would play on the record player thirty, forty, fifty years down the line that they would still dance to.)

He turned his back to the windows, looking up to the stars and away from the hundreds of happy faces. 

Nobody had noticed that he had ducked out, Alec noted. Given, he had only rushed outside without a word ten minutes prior, and everyone inside was more consumed with their other halves, but he still felt the twinge of his heartstrings that he only felt in moments where he failed to get his mind off of his lonely state. 

Magnus would have noticed, though. 

Magnus would have followed him out the door and, without a word, would have taken Alec’s hand in his, pressed a soft kiss to his temple, brushed his hair away from his face, and made everything okay. 

He always had. 

“I’m so lonely,” Alec admitted. 

He didn’t say that out loud very often, and instead buried the confession with nights where he couldn’t sleep, or days where he did nothing but sleep; afternoon showers where he just stood and sobbed and early morning training sessions where he tore his skin apart just to remind himself that he wasn’t completely numb. 

“So goddamn lonely,” he repeated.

He had never been one to talk to himself, and he wasn’t starting then. 

He _was_ talking to someone, just someone a hell realm away who couldn’t hear him even if he tried. 

“I know I have people that I love,” his gaze flickered back to the reception hall, where he could see his mother and Jace laughing over champagne flutes, and Isabelle dragging Clary onto the dance floor, “and… people who love me. But… ‘s’not the same. I just-”

He knew that it is plain awful to think how he thought, to think that the people that he was blessed enough to have just weren’t enough for him. 

They were enough, they were more than enough. 

When he couldn’t get out of bed, it was Isabelle who sat down beside him, holding his hand and telling him that he was stronger than heartbreak could ever be. When he was suffocated by paperwork, it was Jace who took over, prioritizing Alec’s wellbeing over his utter hatred for all things bureaucratic and professional.

It was his mother making sure he ate dinner each night, Clary making sure he wasn’t left alone in the training room, Catarina making sure, with her piles of spell books and scrolls, that he held onto a modicum of hope. 

Alec leaned back, turning away from the sights of the wedding and tucking his knees against his chest, his chin on top of his knees. He had rocked himself back and forth like that for days on end to stop himself from completely breaking down in the privacy of his room, and failed every time. 

Once more, he looked up at the clear night sky— the sky that had been a fire of red and orange and literally ripped open with hordes of demons tearing through, destroying the city and the night sky until suddenly it was closed again and the only thing torn wide open was Alec’s heart— and released a long, shaky breath. 

Magnus was alive, he knew, or else the rift would be open again and Alicante would be nothing but ashes.

Some days that was the only comfort he had in the world. 

“Re-open the rift. Let the city be destroyed. Bring all of it crashing down,” he didn’t mean it, he could never mean that, nor fathom the idea of everyone else that he loved, everyone that he still had, lost to the same fate Magnus had given everything up to prevent. 

He swallowed the lump in his throat and scrubbed his face with his hand, a futile attempt to wipe the tears that he resented himself for shedding, and into the night sky, he whispered, “I just want to be with you again.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks so much for reading!!  
> if you liked it, let me know: comments/kudos/bookmarks are the best <3


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